Lessons from Mother
By Mark Lowry
Gospel Music Artist and Comedian
 
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."
 
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."
 
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."
 
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something
 to cry about."
 
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
 
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
 
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor
coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
 
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
 
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
 
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
 
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."
 
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
 
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
 
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
 you'll never get a good job."
 
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you're cold?"
 
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
 
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
 
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
 
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
My Mother taught me about WISDOM
OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
 
And...
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope
they turn out just like you!"
 
 
To all the Mothers who are reading this while nodding and smiling, and maybe even with a tear in her eye:
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
 

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