Because God gave us a sense of humor, and because there are so many good church-or faith-related jokes, we had to have a page devoted to Church Humor

(If you have any good, clean jokes that you enjoy, please feel free to send them to webmaster@hopeumc1.org.

 

The Three Wise...

Church Bulletin Announcements

Praise the Lord!

E-mail from beyond

Big_Trouble

Punnies

The Country Preacher Went Hunting

Out_of_the_mouths_of_babes

From_the_Vet

Temperance Sermon

Jesus_and_Satan

A_Pet

 

The Three Wise...

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

 

E-mail from beyond

A businessman fromWisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana, and his wife was joining him later for vacation. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.

The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read,

"Arrived safely. It sure is hot down here! Can’t wait for you to join me.

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The Country Preacher Went Hunting

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped it paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . .

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This could cause new visions

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too! "The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Actual Church Bulletins Announcements -

 

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7) Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs.. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9) Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward

and get a piece of paper.

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15)At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours."

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Big Trouble

There were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in
it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father
that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed.
The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from him at a huge impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble'?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

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Out of the mouths of babes:

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Jesus and Satan

 

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes.  They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.  They did some genealogy reports.  They made cards. They did every known job. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in Underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.  Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.  Satan observed this and became irate.  "Wait! He cheated!  How did he do it?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves.

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“Praise the Lord!”

 

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise
the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I bought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

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“Punnies”

1.       A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
 
2.       Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to make other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.  It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
 
3.       A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census.”

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From the Vet

A client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.  As the look-alike
pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.
 
I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
 
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent.  As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

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A Pet

 

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came
in a little white box to use for his house. 
 
 He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the
centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a
beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new
friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
 
 A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


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